He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it. 51. 17. Sooner or later, the people in this country are . I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Nature is in here. Share your thoughts in the comments below! And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. There are places that are going to go away. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! Author of the memoir The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, 83.Theres a reason education sucks, and its the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's as simple as that. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Its interested in its own power. That's generally been true. ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Now, man"You up for the game?" Remember that? Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. ""Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. They all said: Try to live together peacefully. BAM! Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate We earn from qualifying purchases. We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. Everybodys going to save something now. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. In America, anyone can become president. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes . You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? I dont believe anything the government tells me., Governments dont want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They don't care about the planet in theory. Its only a piece of cloth. George Carlin, 75.The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful of insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. Several reasons. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. When are they gonna outlaw this shit? Feel free to reach out and connect. ' Avoid teams at all cost. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. What George Carlin Believed About Religion a few weeks ago, comedy at its best pushes our buttons and challenges our ways of thinking. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. Because theres no money in that problem. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. OK? "Well, it's God's will." Plus he knocked up your daughter. My mind doesnt work that way, I got this real moron thing I do, its called thinking and Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions I have certain rules I live by. Doc was a connection. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. And the other two-way word is "prick". Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more. It helps to remember that. This entire country is completely full of shit, and, Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets ya know it! Fucking is legal. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. Doesn't this piss you off? Never argue with an idiot. Broadly speaking. Don't you love that phrase? Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin, 3. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. You don't. You have no choice. Carlin got famous for his bit about the "words you can't say on television," but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the kings not doing a good job, we kill him. I say, "Hey, professor! Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it because youve lost your identity because you now owe your allegiance to this thing thats bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin, 71. The planet is fine. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. He was a "political" comic the way George Orwell was a "political" writer. Pack your shit, were goin away. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". Fertilization. The only country that could invade America is America! The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin, 87. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. It's a shame everything has to have a label. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? And complaining about the politicians. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.". And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." No contest! You see all, sooner or later. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? They will do anything for the unborn. Updated on May 30, 2018. I decided to look around for something else to worship. So we keep ourselves limited. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Huh? So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. You have no choice. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeorge's websitehttps://georgecarlin.com/Social Media:\rInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelaughplanetofficial/\rYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiI_jyH_0yttWG-m5fBYGmA\rTwitter: https://twitter.com/laugh_planet\rWebsite: http://thelaughplanet.comContact us: ash98jha@gmai.com #GeorgeCarlin #Government #America #Comedy #LaughPlanet I like people who buck the system. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Oh, my goodness. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube Guy with a fuckin' pipe! Its a fucking sacrilege! And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. These people were given. (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Isn't that nice? George Carlin: Jammin' in New York (1992) - Quotes - IMDb You ever notice that? When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. change. You know how we got it? It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away. George Carlin, 77. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. The mayfly lives only one day. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. F*ck Hope. And sometimes it rains. You don't need ten. Rights aren't rights if someone can - George Carlin Quotes - Facebook So come on in. [] I look at war a little bit differently. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born and raised in Manhattan, New York City, to Mary (Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick John Carlin, an advertising manager for The Sun; they had met while working in marketing. 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out. Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. Theyve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. George Carlin, 63. Zach Urban on Twitter: "RT @WideAwake444: Government doesn't care about You don't have to bring flowers. No money to be made off of the homeless. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. Save the planet! Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up. No problem. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. 13. OK? That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. 'Cause everything in this country is king size, extra-large and super jumbo. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Ask an addict. I'm tired of this shit being presented in the context of real news. Whens the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? You know how you speed up baseball? I wonder why prostitution is illegal. 3. I leave that to others. They're all in favor of the unborn. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. But the Government Said I Have Rights | The Anarchist Library Help me find some shoes I really like. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Call me! Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I'm tired of that asshole. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". It's nice. On Election Day, I stay home. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. We think in language. 1. Fewer Texans. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America. 27. 14. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. That's what you do. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. They try to divide the rest of the people. That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. 49. This is the best we can do. "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out! We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. We won the big game today, yes sir!" "Hey! And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. People who have large gums and small teeth. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. Why isnt selling fucking legal? ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. Bomb them! And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. 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And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Save the planet? You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. That's my advice. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin, 76. And you might have noticed something else. And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. So arrogant. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. Opinion: With apologies to George Carlin, here are seven words they can I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. Laugh often, long and loud. George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. Everybody gets one swing. A boring game for boring people. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. They don't trust one another. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin, 25. George Carlin - IMDb I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" They don't want to hear from you. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. I recently bought a book of free verse. There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Well, of course it was pre-recorded! Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. You know? And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. They average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racistthere's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying traysand a boring game. Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. They will do anything for the unborn. It's nothing. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. 11. Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi! We havent tried that for a while. Were goin away. Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. Well, they don't want you to get an infection! It's true! Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. "All of you over here, you seven? We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. That's a good combination! And they support the South American DEATH squads. Must be another one of those "miracles.". Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin, 40. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. I dont have pet peeves. It's all very confusing. Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tapeEVERYTHING! And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick! "One thing leads to another"? Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, 24. My first rule, I dont believe anything the government tells me And I dont take very seriously the media or the press in this country. George Carlin, 82. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Why would he give us a certain. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. And a boring game. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. It's ridiculous! No kidding. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. By gyokusai August 29, 2010. creed of reason. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote - Goodreads Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. You know why? And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! You ever watch golf on television? It is one that we need to function as a society. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.
